I’m not sure what is going on with me. This time of year I usually feel joyous, sensual, sexual and energized.
But not this time.
For the past five or six days I’ve been feeling sad, hopeless, depressed and tired. Mars and Pluto have been doing a dance up there in Capricorn. A fiery dance of death and passion. At first, I chalked it off to that.
Yep, let’s blame the stars and planets for our problems, right? So, as I often do, I turned to my go-to-girl for pleasure—Venus.
My Beltane roses were wilted and dying. Venus wasn’t in her temple. She was watching me from a distance as if she were avoiding me. I was calling her and she refused to come. It was as if she were holding back pleasure and all good things that Beltane usually represents!
She smiled at me and I knew. She was giving me space to stay and feel these emotions that I really wanted to avoid feeling. She was telling me to FEEL.
Of course, I turned to all of my Goddesses to find out what was happening to me.
Here’s who turned up to have a talk: Inanna, Lilith, Kali, Persephone and Pele.
All are dark goddesses. Shadow sisters. These are the ragers!
I realized that underneath the melancholy was bright-red ANGER. So, I found the source emotion hiding underneath the veneer of my sadness. I voiced my anger to one who hurt me recently. But, I didn’t feel much relief.
I needed to go deeper into it.
Who am I angry with?
Once I checked the inventory, I found my anger was completely directed at masculine figures in my life and in the world.
First, I practiced my frame drum and did my core workout. I danced vigorously.
I sat down at my congas and began to play. My hands started to hurt and turn red from playing loud and hard.
I called in Inanna, Lilith, Kali, Persephone and Pele to come and witness me. I told them the story about my feelings of anger and sadness in rhythm with the congas. I let the words roll out without censorship.
The Goddesses all began fusing together and formed into a dragon. The Great Mother Serpent appeared to me. I often call her Maleficent, who has been my all-time favorite anti-heroine since childhood.
I began to realize what the anger was all about.
The rhythm became faster and more violent as I spoke one phrase, “It is time to reclaim my power.”
I finally stopped playing and the raging inside my head was quiet.
In the Disney film about Maleficent, she regains her power when her wings are restored. Her power is in her sovereignty, freedom and love for Aurora.
Balance, beauty and love (all things Venusian) return to the fae and human worlds. War ends.
How often I clip my wings to stay in the good graces of a society that just wants to domesticate me!
I have the power to create the life I am envisioning. I have the power to speak my truth. I have the power to feel compassion for myself.
And, so do you.
How are you feeling today? If you are also feeling down and/or angry, know that there is a treasure in your shadowy emotions that can help you heal and be your most true and powerful self.
If you want to try something, here’s what helped me out this week:
- Give yourself space to allow your emotions to flow.
- Try to stay out of your head! Focus on the way your body feels and the sensations brought about by your feelings.
- Voice your true feelings to yourself. I used my storytelling tools as I played my congas (a technique I picked up from Michael Meade), but there are many ways to do this. You can pull out your journal or some paper and write out your story. “I feel sad/angry/depressed/hopeless because …” Just let the story flow out of you without trying to edit anything out that seems ugly to you. This is just a story and stories can be changed once we understand the plot! Once you are aware of the underlying source of your emotions, you will feel transformed and liberated.
- Fully accept the dark and denied sides of yourself with complete compassion. This is a difficult step for me. I have a deep need to be the good girl and please others at all costs. I’ve spent a lot of time unlearning this terrible pattern and it continues to unravel.
- Use your favorite pleasure methods to help clear out the residue of whatever is released out of your story. I like smudging with sage and anointing myself with rose and frankincense oil. Taking hot, salt water baths are great too. You can also burn the paper that your story is written on to help release the old energy.
- If you are a man reading this, know my heart goes out to you. There are so many sacred masculines in my life who are transforming at a rapid rate. I know it can be painful. Your experience of emotions may be very different from mine, and I honor your healing path.
Reach out to those around you who can hold you in this moment of depression. There is power in feeling and expressing your true feelings, even if they are not what you want or others can’t accept them.
Reach out to me if you feel you need someone to witness you at this time. Just email or message me anytime.
On this May Day, our beloved Beltane, I wish for you to love yourself even harder!
With love + pleasure,