I’m not sure what is going on with me. This time of year I usually feel joyous, sensual, sexual and energized.
But not this time.
For the past five or six days I’ve been feeling sad, hopeless, depressed and tired. Mars and Pluto have been doing a dance up there in Capricorn. A fiery dance of death and passion. At first, I chalked it off to that.
Yep, let’s blame the stars and planets for our problems, right? So, as I often do, I turned to my go-to-girl for pleasure—Venus.
My Beltane roses were wilted and dying. Venus wasn’t in her temple. She was watching me from a distance as if she were avoiding me. I was calling her and she refused to come. It was as if she were holding back pleasure and all good things that Beltane usually represents!
She smiled at me and I knew. She was giving me space to stay and feel these emotions that I really wanted to avoid feeling. She was telling me to FEEL.
Of course, I turned to all of my Goddesses to find out what was happening to me.
Here’s who turned up to have a talk: Inanna, Lilith, Kali, Persephone and Pele.
All are dark goddesses. Shadow sisters. These are the ragers!
I realized that underneath the melancholy was bright-red ANGER. So, I found the source emotion hiding underneath the veneer of my sadness. I voiced my anger to one who hurt me recently. But, I didn’t feel much relief.
I needed to go deeper into it.
Who am I angry with?
Once I checked the inventory, I found my anger was completely directed at masculine figures in my life and in the world.
First, I practiced my frame drum and did my core workout. I danced vigorously.
I sat down at my congas and began to play. My hands started to hurt and turn red from playing loud and hard.
I called in Inanna, Lilith, Kali, Persephone and Pele to come and witness me. I told them the story about my feelings of anger and sadness in rhythm with the congas. I let the words roll out without censorship.
The Goddesses all began fusing together and formed into a dragon. The Great Mother Serpent appeared to me. I often call her Maleficent, who has been my all-time favorite anti-heroine since childhood.
I began to realize what the anger was all about.
The rhythm became faster and more violent as I spoke one phrase, “It is time to reclaim my power.”
I finally stopped playing and the raging inside my head was quiet.
In the Disney film about Maleficent, she regains her power when her wings are restored. Her power is in her sovereignty, freedom and love for Aurora.
Balance, beauty and love (all things Venusian) return to the fae and human worlds. War ends.
How often I clip my wings to stay in the good graces of a society that just wants to domesticate me!
I have the power to create the life I am envisioning. I have the power to speak my truth. I have the power to feel compassion for myself.
And, so do you.
How are you feeling today? If you are also feeling down and/or angry, know that there is a treasure in your shadowy emotions that can help you heal and be your most true and powerful self.
If you want to try something, here’s what helped me out this week:
Reach out to those around you who can hold you in this moment of depression. There is power in feeling and expressing your true feelings, even if they are not what you want or others can’t accept them.
Reach out to me if you feel you need someone to witness you at this time. Just email or message me anytime.
On this May Day, our beloved Beltane, I wish for you to love yourself even harder!
With love + pleasure,