I want to be free from freedom. It carries a feeling of burden for me.
I don’t want anything to stop me from acquiring my desires and reaching my goals.
For years it has felt like money has been stopping me from doing the things I long to do. Travel, go on a vacation to Hawaii, get more coaching, take Saraphina to Ballet class, getting a new laptop that has working video so I can do my own videos every week.
I’ve found creative ways to get what I want, go around the system and have had to sublimate a lot. There has been a minimal amount of hustling because quite frankly, I’m not too fond of chasing money or chasing potential clients.
For the most part these flow to me. But, the flow is always stopped at some point. Like there’s a shut off valve.
Coaches have told me it is fear or unworthiness that shuts it off. Perhaps they’re right.
I believe that at a certain point I feel like I’m overworked and can’t sustain the energy. So I close down to conserve and rebuild my reserves. It’s part of my process. That’s my theory for now.
All of this is character building and yet at the same time, I feel wrong for taking longer to do things and make choices. Like I should be in constant manifestation mode.
I have had moments of ease and grace in my life. Probably more than most.
At one point I had a part time job (20 hours per week) and that was bringing me $35,000/year. When I told people I was quitting, they were totally surprised and thought I was crazy. Letting go of that steady stream of income was not easy. It was painful. But, it allowed me to make space for ease.
The past 10 years has been anything but easy. However, Ease has been very present to me. I’ve had a beautiful home to live in, a car that gets me where I need to go, loving family and friends whom I adore. I’m grateful for my education and my hundreds of books. And time to study, write my books and take dance classes for my health and well-being. I’m grateful for my online communities with other heart-centered entrepreneurs that support me and help spread the word about my work. I have the coolest clients in the world! Many of whom are now my dearest friends.
So, my work, presently, seems to be around pushing my edges, going for more, and going for big. I’ve known this for at least 2 years. I’m in a coaching program with the gorgeous and soulful Tanya Geisler called Step into Your Starring Role. I’m in a class by Andrea Scher called Mondo Beyondo. I get daily prompts to move me into a livelihood of truth and authenticity through Jonathan Mead’s 365 Days to Freedom (this posting is based on his prompt for the day). And everything is calling me to do the “undoable,” dream bigger than ever before and then let go of what is keeping me in the same holding patterns.
I’m feeling fear around being big. Shining my light too brightly.
I’m celebrating my willingness to walk through the flames. To jump off another, higher cliff. To declare that I have big dreams that are worthy of coming true.
How do you experience ease? And, what does freedom mean to you?
Tell me in the comments below. I’d love to know more about you.